My heart is broken and I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to “fix” it. Coming home has been harder than I ever thought it would be. Actually, I never thought of what it would be like when I got home. I only thought of what it would be like when I was there. Kind of like post-childbirth.
No one talks about what that’s like and it’s arguably the hardest part.
I keep saying, “I am trying to process,” ever since I got home last Sunday. I guess it finally hit me as I sob over a spilled drink on our new couch compliments of my kids right after saying multiple times to knock-it-off. Am I really that upset about an accident? There is a whole lot more under the surface of these tears. My immediate instinct is to have a glass of wine and chill out. But, no. That is exactly what he would want. Just numb it. It will be ok. Nope. Instead, I choose to feel it. Really feel it…all of it. It sucks and it’s hard. Lean not on my own understanding.
Then my husband leaves with one of the culprits, off to a daddy-daughter dance, aka a fundraiser for our amazing all girls private school. I keep thinking about all the things we have access to and how all these things equate to the number of children that could be supported in Nicaragua. For the same cost of a Busch Gardens membership for ONE person, you can sponsor a special needs child with no other hope of food, medicine, and transportation to physical therapy – aka an improved quality of life. (Thank you, Tiffany and Katie and so many others for donating to help these precious children.) Oh, the guilt I feel for what I have. Don’t even get me started on the cost of sending two kids to a private school and another to preschool.
Perspective is everything.
I struggle every month as I talk to so many who want to change their health and have all the access in the world and yet do nothing about it because their priorities are elsewhere. Meanwhile, 3,000 miles away, people would love to have this problem and are instead praying just to be able to eat. If we don’t have our health, what do we have? What could possibly be more important than our physical health other than our spiritual health? Our body is a temple.
There is no connection in perfection, but only in brokenness.
We are all broken and we isolate ourselves by pretending that we are perfect leaving us feeling alone and depressed. It is easier to pretend I am perfect in the United States. I can hide behind my four walls, cars, clothes, activities, and money. Busyness is the drug keeping people in hiding and missing out on connection – true, deep, meaningful relationships.
When you are stripped of everything and all of your brokenness laid bare – people taking pictures with their $800 phones, complaining about toilets that don’t flush, partial walls, mosquito nets, hard beds, no hot water, fear of parasites, no über, Clicklist, Amazon Prime, or comfort food – all you have is connection. Whatever you do for the least of these.
Smiles, Spanglish, and Love.
Everything I take for granted could be given to help a mom take care of her bed-ridden dying child for food, medicine, and transportation to physical therapy so her child doesn’t end up stiff and straight as a board. What have I spent my money on? A smart phone, cable, gym membership, Le Tote, and Blue Apron.
Abundance has nothing to do with what you have and everything to do with what you believe.
You can see God more clearly when all of the distractions are taken away. These people don’t have a Plan B, a backup plan. All they have is their faith in God. It’s easy to deny God exists when you are living comfortably. You live differently, pray differently or not at all, and treat others differently when you don’t have anything else to depend on BUT GOD. People question if there is a God when they see suffering. People pray away suffering, but it’s in the suffering where God meets you.
This life is temporary.
This life is preparing us for how we will spend eternity. If our only focus is accumulating stuff and depending on self, we are making a conscious decision for how we will spend eternity. Empty and shallow and selfish. On the other hand, if our focus is to deny ourselves and help others, we are choosing an eternity of connection and fullness. Life was never about us, but what we can do for others. It’s not about what church we attend, what prayers we pray, or what songs we sing. It is about our heart. The heart of the matter is a matter of the heart. We can’t earn our way into eternity by doing the right things. No one else can help us get there. We are the only one in charge of our destiny. What we focus on grows.
What is the point of all of this? We have all the things and it is utterly meaningless. It’s all meaningless. How do I reconcile going from people who have nothing to people who have all the things? Maybe that is the point. Human nature is to try and fix things, but this cannot simply be fixed by my own strength. There is no rational, human way to reconcile this.
I may not be able to change the world. But I vow to change as many people’s world as I possibly can for as long as God gives me breath.
Be careful what you pray for. My longest prayer has been, “Break my heart for what breaks yours.” Well, it’s broken. Now, I wait for what is next. If you want to keep in touch about what is next and how we can partner together to change lives, let me know. Part of my broken heart is in Nicaragua. This is not the end.
Since my original post on January 28th, I have decided to continue partnering with these beautiful people in Nicaragua and am now the Child Sponsorship Coordinator with His Hands Support Ministries.
As of this update, I am so excited to announce that all 113 children interviewed have been uploaded onto the website and are ready to be sponsored. There have already been children sponsored, but there are still many, many more that need your help. Click the button below to check it out! Just $25 will give these children food and help with medications, travel, etc.